Phone, Please don’t let me down

Just when I thought I had everything set- you choose to let me down. You know how it is to keep up appearances. I have put my faith in things at great risk to my reputation. Imagine how slippery it is to walk into a doctor’s surgery with only the shillings in your pocket. Doctors, my dear Phone, are not fond of advertising charges. The mystery of what ails you is nothing compared to the mystery of a doctor’s fees. A doctor’s fee is conjured up in the throes of your misery. 

'Open Sesame! No, no- Open My Dear Phone'

Heck you have not been through the embarrassing spectacle of riffling through your wallet as doctor watches. It helps none that the doctor conveniently leaves the mess of settling bills to the receptionist. Of course things are so much better if you have a plastic card. But you know how it is with plastic these days- it never lasts. The kind that lasts comes with preconditions like a monthly net of fifty thousand. Now, this is rich man’s pay by Kenyan standards. Remember, at thirty-eight thousand, we enter the upper income bracket rate of twenty-five percent tax. Forget health insurance- that is not for mere mortals.

My dear phone, spare me the blushes. You are everything I ever wanted. I am not always happy talking over you. Occasionally, you save me the humiliation of coming face to face with reality. I can always claim to be in a meeting to avoid difficult queries.  There are moments I wish you could be more specific with details. How many times I have wished you could furnish me with details of a respondent’s actual position and clandestine pictures. Of course you should not dare reveal the same about me when I say I am in a meeting. Take it from me I always mean well- even when I lie.

I like it when I switch to chat-mode with strangers. Then I can be anything I want to be. If the chat-mate insists, I can be female. I wonder why it is nearly all of the people I have met on chat have been male or gay. In these parts I have never met anyone in real life happy to declare their gay ways. Surprise, surprise on chat they become openly gay! Most of those guys will readily send pictures of their nether parts to assure me of guaranteed pleasure. Tell you what, they are not appetising. Of course they delete me from their friends list when I do not respond with a picture of my canon. Damned perverts! They will do anything in the privacy of their rooms and phones.

As usual I get carried away when I am with you, my Phone.  It is the doctor that had me talking to you in the fast place. You see doctors are about the most insensitive people I have come across. I mean, who else will recommend local anesthesia when removing a tooth but a doctor? Everyone knows pulling a tooth should be under general amnesia. You get up and find the toothache and the nagging tooth gone- that is what every patient wants. But doctors will never listen to a patient’s advice. They know everything.

Now, my dear Phone, tell me it’s the battery that is the matter with you. Don’t tell me it’s the screen or your flat brain. How am I supposed to interact with you without your screen or brain? Without your screen you are dead-dead! I just have no way of knowing what is happening in your smart brain. Funny, that you cannot do anything unless I tweak the right spot on your screen. You are not that smart!

Things were better before these touch-screen gizmo’s I tell you. You wouldn’t know that of course- you are a smartphone. Only you are not so smart without your screen! Your press button ancestor could get a few things done without the screen. Only a few things- I must say. Without the screen I’d still have no way of knowing beforehand it was the landlord calling. That is not very useful either.

Now back to the doctor. Tell me my dear Chinese smartphone- how am I supposed to explain to the doctor that I cannot pay him because your screen went blank? The mobile money thingie will not work unless your screen lights up! Please, my dear Phone wake up! Doctor is waiting and you know how it is defying doctor’s orders. I could die from his look alone! Oh, dear- how I wish you were a press button phone. Then I could dial my wife and squeal for help. Damned Chinese phones! They never work when you need them most. Yuk!